Niafric

Hi Friends,

My name is Niafric and I am 25 years old. I come from West Africa, along the seacoast, from a very large extended family with a strong religious background. I am very religious as well. My family and friends are homophobic as they follow a very conservative teaching of the Bible and cultural beliefs. Homosexuality is not accepted in my culture and as one may be aware, much (although not all) of Africa is against same sex relationships. It is hard for a gay man to practise his sexuality because every boy between the ages of fifteen to eighteen is expected to be in a sexual relationship with a girl, not a man. It is widely believed that only animals are capable of homosexuality. If it happens between people, it is thought that they are mentally ill. 

From my cultural background the people there are ignorant to homosexuality. Out of ten people, perhaps one or two might have heard about gay lifestyle but they have not been educated to know more about what it means to be a homosexual. They have an idea but they have not got any real life experience of meeting or knowing openly gay people.  They don't understand why people would be gay or lesbian and live together as same sex couples. It is said that if anyone should get caught they would be handed over to witch doctors to be killed because it believed they don't belong in society This could happen to me if I was still at home. 

I was brought up in two different parts of the country. From birth I lived part of my life in the village then went to the city to begin my education. Before leaving for the city, I remembered seeing myself as a child in the village playing with one of my nephews in the rubber bushes. We would go there in the daytime to play what was called 'ma'am and papa play.' That is, we would get over each other, rubbing against and playing with each other's penises. I would sometime play the role of a mum and he would be dad. We used to do this all the time during the day. I had strong thoughts that I was a little girl at the time, and this affected me a lot.  

All the time I spent with my mum in the villages, whether I was on holiday or not, I would do almost all the work of a female, like plaiting women's hair and cooking. I would be involved in activities that were associated with women. People who saw me for the first time would think I was a girl. Even if someone said that I was a boy, they would find it hard to believe. When my mum was pregnant people actually said she was going to have a girl child and my mum really wanted her last born to be a girl but my elder sister who raised me wanted to be the youngest girl. As the story goes she kept praying for me to be a boy and fortunately for my mother, she gave birth to me as a boy.

As I was going through my education from elementary up to senior high levels, my casual and close friends were always girls. As I got to know myself, however, my intimate and sexual desires were for boys or men. However, I was very choosy about the type of boy I wanted to be my friend. As a result of this I faced a lot of bullying especially from boys in school and the community in which I lived. Some would call me by a female name like, Martha or Julia. I did not want to be called this though. I realised that I was feminine but was in denial. Because of my good relationship with some of these girls, we felt attracted to each other and through this I had a couple of relationships. I must admit that I used to find it very difficult, as this was not what I wanted. I had to live and cope with it. At times I would isolate myself and cried for ages complaining why God had to make me a man. He should have made me a girl instead of a man. I would pray to have a man's voice to speak like a man and not a woman. I was looked down on when I spoke in public. Some guys would shout at me saying, "speak like a man you punk or freak!"

I still remember having my first gay sexual relationship with a boy who lived above us on the top apartment in our building. He was probably eleven years old at the time and I was about ten. It was a very warm sunny afternoon in October 1984, on a weekend. We didn't use condoms, as we had no idea of what condoms were used for and they weren't available anyway. He was a slim guy with brown eyes, a short hair cut and very handsome. Our relationship was kept secret just between us because if our parents had got to know we would have been in serious trouble.  

I was now thirteen years old and in my fifth year at elementary school when I found myself falling in love with another guy who happened to be in love with my sister. I really wanted him. He realised this but kept it to himself. He did so many things to please me because of the relationship between him and my sister. I didn't appreciate it because I wanted his romance. I would get angry with him whenever I saw him with my sister.  I also did all I could to please him too and have him as my intimate and secret friend by sharing my pocket money with him during break times but it was never possible. I wanted to tell him how much I had fallen in love with him but I couldn't do that because I would have been expelled from the school and brought shame on my family. So I did nice things like sharing my pocket money. It got to the point when I had to steal some of my sister's doughnut money just to win his love and I was never successful! I can't just image how hard it was for me to cope with these ups and down as a result of a homophobic society. I was frustrated and depressed. I lost the romantic idea of falling in love with another man who just couldn't or wouldn't give me the chance. For days I would lose my appetite and wouldn't have a good night's sleep. I would isolate myself from friends and make lots of excuses. These set backs prevented me from being involved in social activities like sports with my peer groups. And because of this I spent a lot of time on my own.

At age of fourteen I was back to the village. Life continued to be frustrating and full or anxiety. The village had less than twenty houses including huts and barns. I am not sure if the population was more or less than one hundred! This was my place of birth. I was there for my fifteen birthday until my twenty-first birthday and I was expected to be with a girl looking forward to bringing up a family. The family and peer pressures were twice as strong as what I had expected during this time, as my little brothers were strongly involved in establishing a home. I had a couple of relationships with women but at some point I found that there were few guys from my town and other villages who lived in the city before that felt the same way I did. One got very close to me as friend. As our friendship developed down the line, we felt attracted to each other. This ended in a very casual and discreet relationship. No one knew! We went about our normal day-to-day lives. I can just feel how physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally embarrassing it would have been for our families, friends and ourselves, if we had been caught together! As previously said I could have been killed. Never mind, it was just fortunate that I was able to make my way through and live with it.

LIVING IN A CITY

What does it mean to live in a city like London where there is more freedom, though not 100%, for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals? For me in London it means "mind your business and enjoy yourself but, be very careful!"  This applies to me coming to a city like London where I have met new friends and through them I am getting to know more. It reminds me of my life back home in the city. Life wasn't too bad there but access to gay friends was limited. And at this time I met two friends who knew where to meet other gay men informally. I was getting exposed to so many things that I was not aware of before. I was once again involved in a couple of both male and female sexual friendships and this made me feel confused about my sexuality. I was probably bisexual but an active gay man. As for now, I am exposed to the Gay World through the Internet and friends that I have met and the ones that I am associating with.

Now that I am living in London, I see that my life has changed dramatically living openly as a gay man and I enjoy being with gay friends. I don't feel frustrated or depressed any longer and feel no need to isolate or keep myself in solitude. However, my current friends and outside communities are homophobic. Luckily, I am in a relationship with a guy whom I feel a great sense of attraction and attachment to. I am now happier than ever before in a sense that I can talk about my life and how I feel. I do accept myself as a gay because I feel more attraction to men then women. Moreover, I have the freedom I wanted to explore my sexuality and to know more about myself through other people. 

Consequently, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you that have helped and assisted me to be who I am. I would also like to say that if you or should you find yourself in my case, to please contact the Mosaic Youth Project and your email will be passed on to me.  Please do not hesitate to give your view on what I have gone through. In this case as a lesbian, gay man or bisexual, what would you have done if this were to happen in your case?

Love,

Niafric xxx

PS. If you need information and support with immigration issues check out Stonewall Immigration Group's (SIG) web site. SIG are a voluntary organisation set up to campaign for immigration rights for same sex couples and asylum seekers.